If I died tonight what would you do?

why must I watch the people around me die?
today was a wet wet day, was God crying for the 5 dead in cambodia?
I wish it so, he was a simple man, a kind man, he didn't deserve to die
and to think, the last time I saw him fit as a fiddle in august
to imagine that someone I knew is dead...how does one go about accepting this?
I can say it but I can't accept it...

wow I haven't written in 7 months...
what to say, I found lieve an talked to her
but now, I need you once again dear little blog for all you hold dear to me
I'm lost in the torrent of my life
I feel incompetent and stupid
physics makes me feel like a failure, I can get a 7 in math but not physics...
physics is a failing grade...a 3....
why? I don't understand?
or maybe because I'm sick and some other things
I'm so full of drugs I've become an emotional mess
...sigh no...I'm not a drug abuser, I've taken asprin, panadol, ponstance, evening primerose, vitamin c and sudafed, everything to control my flu and the other pain
I can't sleep
there's just so much pain welling up inside me
I know the important ones who I want to read this will never see what I really think
but how can pathetic me alone stand before my good friends and people and speak my mind?
to be rejected is more then I can bear
I'm to stupid bloody conscientious
I think to much to
I wish for once in my life I would do what I wanted...
but I know I will never have peace until the day he dies
I want to rant on and on
I want to cry till my eyes run dry
but I can't...
for the sake of saving stupid bloody face
in the morning I must put back on my mask
hide my true thoughts and emotions
and please those around me