If I died tonight what would you do?

last night...
so many things happened
its so surreal
did I really go clubbing?
did I really drink?
the only reason why I know its real
is my tired aching body
I had so much fun just dancing and forgetting everything else
I had no inhibition...
nothing to stop me
and time just slipped away
I wanted to stay that way for forever...
but then...
she just had to say what i already knew...
I felt like taking a knife to my gut right then and there
and its him of all people...
she said yes...
of course I must play the part of the happy cheerful supporting friend
I hate myself...
I have no courage...
I'm spineless
I'm nothing
no wonder he wouldn't ever accept me
but then he asked her...
and my world came crashing down all around

gong xi fa cai!
the new year has begun...
yet my heart feels so heavy
I miss you terribly so
promise never to leave me again

the last day of the lunar year!
I want to go to hong kong!!
and go shopping and eat!!
sigh but staying here...
and then my father was like
"anna, bring out your homework!"
....not fun...
sigh anyway project week is all finalized
going to get our visas next week
still working on stupid commentary...
lol oh oh! I started a livejournal!
but its a food journal!
I'm putting up my favourite recipes
and criticing restaurants in singapore on it!
lol dinner tonight is vietnamese since lei garden is packed...
lalala vietnamese!

Night lifts up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

I'm so sorry lee min
I was never there when you needed a shoulder to cry on
I know that my deepest heartfelt sorrys won't be enough for you
but this is all I have to offer
I never knew you were in so much pain and suffering
you should of told me
I know after I left crescent we talked here and there
but it wasn't enough
not seeing you everyday
and having every single class with you
when I first left crecent
the one thing I clearly remember
was my fear of leaving you
when i got to uwc I missed so much school in the beginning
the doctors didn't know what was wrong
I slipped into depression
the one thing that brought me through it all
was our nightly conversations
they were my one joy in life
then slowly they became weekly talks
I know I can never replace all the gaps in our lives
but I'll try harder I promise
whenever you need to talk I'm here
we can go back to our days of mind reading can't we?
where we always knew the others thought
I hope so, cause I miss it terribly


enough sadness for now
bonne saint-valentin!
today was a good day
lalala in mah jong I'm still ranking number 1!!!
lion dance was super uber fun!
yeah performance on friday!!
hehehe get to skip beginning of history!
and the lion cubs are still as cute as ever!
they're the drunken lions!
sigh...still have to finish english commentary...
ok shall be a good little girl and finish it...

my birthday yesterday was fairly enjoyable!
lol alot of people didn't know, but thats fine!
I'm really 17, not 6 hongloon!
don't be a mep!!
lol yeah got new earphones from my bro!!
hehehe now I can ignore everyone!
ahh...stupid diet...theres so much good food around me
so tempting just to eat it...
but I must exercise self restraint...
school is same old
oh spent saturday with hitomi at orchard
we were there from like 1 till 6
was so cool!! lol got to try okinawan food!
wasn't too bad so don't worry hitomi!
then I tried that green tea smoothy thing from starbucks!!
was super super nice!!
then at home was my dad's student bbq!
lalala I got to drink liquor! its so nice!!
it was hazulnut liquor from italy, very sweet!
lol the strongest I've ever gone, it was 28%
I'm surprising myself lately, I couldn't even stand the smell of alcohol
so things are changing
anyway off to finish my english commentary!
I got an extension till monday
and I still haven't finished it...english on thursday
but seriously no inspiration, I hate the passage
so drab and gloomy, not fun at all

17! lol I thoght the day would never come...

but it has

yet I feel no different then yesterday

nor likely will I change tomorrow



to throw out everything I know

and start from the beginning...

shall i put my trust in you?

but do I have any other choice?

I do wish to change...



fine, do with me what you will

another day of school, sigh lion dance performance for chinese new year is next thursday...
they're not letting us girl lions do that much!! not fair!
the guys get to play on the big boxes(imaginary bridge)
its like so cool! but us girls can't do it...
lol the baby lions are having their awakening ceremony next friday I believe
sigh yes little kids really are so cute and adorable!! I want children now!
lol their coordination is not the best but still it was so cute to watch them practice today!
they had like delayed reaction so instead it was drunken lion!
monday is my birthday!
so excited lol hongloon still says I'm only turning 12, I am going to be 17 and am super uber happy!
lol I plan to spend it with hitomi, hmmm where shall we go?
thinking along the lines of expensive restaurant for lunch! it'll be worth it, I mean like only a little over one more year left to spend with her...no! don't want to graduate!
my parents are currently looking at buying a semi-d...
its going to be weird to move, I'll live about 20 min from school
so far, and the house is at the top of a hill
good thing about it though is that I get the entire third floor, it has a balcony!!
my parents'll probably stay on the second, and my bro may take the basement, next to where the car is
its quite nice too, but I need the open air, first floor is as always living and dinning room with kitchen
its almost a yes for my parents, no clue when the paper work will pull through...
a house...it seems so surreal...
last time I lived in a house was when I was 3...
this'll be an interesting experience non-theless...and one I should definitely live through

another hour...another night...
another week till I'm 17...
it seems like yesterday I was turning 13, my first birthday at crescent...
we were all so sweet and young back then...
that innocent image has been crushed
we've all moved on to another time, another place
lol miss it so much, the true bliss...
uwc is hard...sigh the bloody application of physics in mechanics...so long and boring
at least thermal dynamics isn't so bad, a little more fun...
lol math is as always, just trying my best
english and history are more fun then I at first thought
but still I love bio and chinese the most
especially chinese, for some reason it truly connects with me...
unlike french I have this great wanting to learn it...
but the circle of life continues and moves on without us,
no regrets...ever

destiny...
so many perhaps...so many possibilities...
we had several chances to meet, so many coincidences...
many times we missed each by mere months, days, hours, minutes...
I should of stayed at uwc after 4th grade...then the possibility of us meeting would of increased...
alas, whats happened is in the past...but still I yearn after what could of been...
if it is destiny then we will meet again one day
sort of like 'turn left, turn right'(chinese movie)...
but they had to wait 10 years...could I stand to never see him again after he leaves...
10 years...it seems like so far away...
I don't want to say good bye and then wait and wait...
cause if its not destiny I'll be waiting in vain...
I would spend my time becoming as perfect as possible...
but then to not have my dream come true...
it would be such a heartache wouldn't it?

*cough cough*
lol that is my cold!
arrgh been sick since friday...
not fun...
and todays math test, that went horribly...
I forgot the h for the area of a cone...
stupid stupid...
well project week is three weeks away...
excited, yet apprehensive
lol yesterday I was so stupid
was sick and I was running in the rain to
get to the boarding house to find sae
lol made me feel even worse
then today was in complete zombie mode
bio teacher still in the hospital
what I live for now:
1. Mah Jong
2. Lion Dance (I'm the actual lion head, not playing an instrument)
sigh...my brother is in deep trouble right now
so its as if I'm invisible....