If I died tonight what would you do?

thx, I'm here for any friend
ben is a guy I've known since I was 10
he's 2 months older then
he went to AIS e australien schl
I've known him for 5 years
he's chinese australien
he has an older brother who's 27
he has 3 younger siblings
2 brothers n 1 sister
his mother died of cancer when he was 5
he has a step mom right now
ben went to malaysia when he was 8
he hated it there
then he came to singapore when he was 11
I've had a crush on him all these years
he's geeky cute
but I like him tt way
he works out at e gym
cause one time I worked out wif him
sry I g2g

i jus got back frm war of e worlds wif chaitali!
it so rulez!!!
it was e best though slightly gory..
it was ok! I wanna watch it again!!!
lol dakota n tom r gd together
they play perfect father n daughter!
lol e twist at e end is so unpredictable!
lol nothing much happening
preparing myself to say gdbye
lol nats on monday
am i prepared?
i hope
nothing I can do but train hard n pray
gotta keep e faith real
y did london win!?!?!?!?
it should of been paris!!!
lol anw I'm going for e 2010 winter olympics!!!
in vancouver, canada
cause my cousin Patrick is gonna be in it representing canada!
its soooo cool!
but I've only met him once
n tt was like 10 years ago
so I gotta wait another 5 years to meet him

I cursed Ben...
was tt a wise thing to do?
now I feel bad...
I wrry...wat if it comes true...
nvm...I shan't care abt him...
he deserves wat's coming...
he could of told me before they started dating...
instead of while they were dating...
I wonder wat she's like?
....................
ok saying tt is making me feel bad...
now I feel incompetent...

no matter wat happens
I'll be right here waiting for u...
I think...
if e pain isn't to great...
u could of told me earlier tt u had found someone
not wait till u guys had dated for a couple of weeks

Ben, I curse u
I curse u wif a horrible gruesome fate
I curse u a terrible death at e hands of enemys
I curse u tt u'll wander e earth forever
I curse u tt ur one true love betrays u wif ur greatest friend
I curse u wif these things so tt u'll learn e price of hurting me

sry abt tt...
I'm not in a gd mood right now...
my cold got even worse today
blah...I wish I didn't have to go to schl tmr...
oh well...maybe I'll all of e sudden get really sick...
somedays I jus wanna sty in bed n do nothing
cause I feel so sick...
but my dad forces me to go to schl...
blah...I can't wait for colledge...
then I'm outta here...
my dad jus drives me up e wall...
I can't wait till I'm 18...
sry mom I love u
but I won't come n visit...
I jus hate dad to much...
u should of divorced him long ago...
I can't stand by n let him hurt u n me anymore...
sry but once I leave this home I'm never coming back...
all tt beating throughout my life has finally gotten to my nerves
u know how he hit my head tt one day...
I jus can never think e same anymore after tt...
tt shoe really hurt...
e pain caused me to blank out for a min...
after tt he hit my head more other times...
my brain jus doesn't function e same anymore...
I don't understand y u never left him...
I remember having fantasies of u leaving him
n taking me back wif u to e states...
how I would live wif grandma n grandpa
n how I'd watch my cousins grow up finally
how I'd be a part of their lives
not jus some shadow in e background

I had an emotional breakdown...
now I know wat its like to suffer frm depression...
I guess e whole ben thing pushed me over e edge...
plus e pressure tt e teachers r putting on us...
I jus kept crying n crying last night...
my whole life I've felt like an outsider...
except now well e mafia has made me their friend...
thx u mafia, u guys came at e right time...
now I don't feel like such an outsider...
I mean ppl make fun of me but I shrug it off...
when actually it affects me...
e frustration of e past 2 n a half years jus poured out last night...
e tears kept coming n coming...
afterwards I felt like a huge weight had been lifted...
then my mother prayed for me...
I felt calmed like I could get through this...
yet I don't feel so cheerful anymore...
when I was talking wif ben on msn
I kept telling him it was alright
when right there n then
I kept crying while talking to him...
guys r dense...
I'm flying solo frm now on...
no looking back...
no more guys for me...
I'm gonna be alone frm now on...
alone u don't get hurt...