If I died tonight what would you do?

ello wello...sry abt all e past entries...I reread em n they sound so dark n gloomy...never knew I held so many emotions in me...sry if I might of freaked some ppl out...I'm sry for everything...I'm sry for things I never did n I'm sorry for things I'll never do...

y do I always say sry...y...is it a curse I was given at birth or smt...wat is it...I always say sry...I always mean it though...don't know y...smt's wrong wif me...can't do anything...can't pay attention in lessons...

oh yeah...had trng this morning wif sir at McRitchie...lol...sir trained us hard today...it was fun though...I got to meet all e sec 1's...they're very cute...did u know tt even though trng is hard most of em still wanted to join track...cause I read lynny netty's blog n she sounded to sad...I jus wanna cheer her up n say tt e sec 1's tt I met today actually enjoy trng...especially e little one...e ones tt r very short...they like it...so lynette even though trng is tough ppl actually like...I mean I act like I dun like it but really...I jus love trng...cause it takes my mind off other things...n I jus get to meet other ppl...like I finally was brave enough to say hi to e sec 4's today...for me tt was a big step...since like most ppl who r older then me dun wanna get to know me or smt like tt....they jus ignore me usually..but e sec 4's this morning were really friendly! twas very coolio!!!!!!! lol...anw jus trying to pass e time as I pretend to be doing my french hw on e com...lol...wateva...g2g...byz

hallo, hoffen Sie, daß Sie dieses Jamie, sein lesen können wirklich bedeutet für Sie, aber jedermann sonst, wer Deutschen lesen kann, voran gehen Sie und lesen Sie. Ich vermisse Sie, waren Sie immer dort für mich bis jetzt, bin ich nicht immer dort für Sie, also wünschte ich gerade informiere Sie, daß ich liebe dich und jeder sonst um Sie Sie auch liebt, also, selbst wenn ich gegangen werde, sind Sie nie allein

me again...not here looking for sympathy...its jus I'm lonely...crying here all by myself...writting this out at my laptop...I miss all those so dear to me...its funny...these tears flowing down my cheeks...they jus won't stop...theres nothing I can do to stop them...I'm in e safety of my room...tts when I take off my mask...tts when I show all my emotions...e ones u never see when ppl r arnd...sry...I hafta stop...e tears r blurring my vision...can't stop em...n can't c...

ok...I'm back...my vision's not so blur anymore...lol...u guys prob never knew but I always wanted to jus try for chairperson...u guys never thought I could hold any position...u jus mocked me when I said I wanted to try for presidency in e U.S....tts y I'm leaving next year...u guys jus can't take me seriously...its like I'm a big joke to all of u...do u know I've lost family members tt r dear to me...I've lost my grandmother...my uncle's...n others...u jus think I dun have emotions...I can't believe u guys...I only smile cause I serve to make others happy...I dun mind being unhappy...I jus dun like to c other ppl cry...tts y I always smile even when I'm pissed off at someone or I jus wanna punch n dismantle someone...its e only way for me to control my anger...do u know how hard it is to stop myself frm killing bitch's...grr...like there r a few in my class this year...tts y I dun mind my class...I jus hate some of e ppl in e class...I feel like wringing thier necks like e one time tt my grandfather took me hunting I had to wring e birds next to kill it since my grandfathers bullet hadn't killed it...do u guys know wat its like to hold life in ur hands n then jus kill it...no u don't...u know nothing of e real world...

hey...I'm gonna show u e latest poem I wrote...
its for Ben...hope u like it...

I remember sitting there
under that wonderful lemon tree
just watching the cars drive by
I remember sitting there
with not a care in the world
just drinking cold lemonade
I remember sitting there
wishing to stay like this forever
just to be by your side
I remember sitting there
watching the world go by
just praying that it'll never end
I remember sitting there
staying out of the heat
just trying to chill
I remember sitting there
as you touched me like never before
just wanting to be there with you
I remember sitting there
saying good bye
just before you left me
I remember sitting there
missing you with all my heart
just wishing you were here
I remember sitting there
as I saw you again
just hopeing it was real
I remember sitting there
as I held you tight
just not believing you were back
I remember sitting there
as you proposed to me
just wanting to say yes
I remember sitting there
when we became one
just being amazed
I remember sitting there
as we picniced together
just our little family
I remember sitting there
as one by one our children left us
just couldn't believe they had grown
I remember sitting there
when you left me for above
just couldn't believe it
I remember sitting there
as they laid you to rest
just crying to my heart's content
I remember sitting there
as I told the new little ones
just everything about that lemon tree
I remember sitting there
as slowly I came to be with you
just being happy forever

heres another one...this time its for all my friends, those who I've lost, those who r still arnd and for those who I have yet to meet...but mainly its for my friends tt have switched schls or r in diff classes frm me...n I never c u much anymore...good bye...

moving, turning, taking, wanting
something, anything
nothing more, nothing less

having, showing, sharing, longing
nothing is happening
not now, not ever

knowing, hoping, careing, loveing
free me
free me soon, free me now

needing, leaving, keeping, feeling
where are you
come soon, come now

here's another one I found tt I wrote last year sometime...

being bored
walking down the street
theres nothin I can do or say
sitting here waiting for you
you can play any song
you can wait till forever
but I'm gone
I'm gonna live this one life
that I've been given
gonna show the world
what I can do

I'm not sure what its abt but I think its got smt to do wif me being angry n upset wif e world...it was one of e times I was hidding behind my smilling mask...lol...more n more ppl r finding out abt my mask...oh bother...nvm...I dun mind...maybe tt'll help em understand me better...I never give away any emotion I dun wanna give away...so if u c me crying its cause I wan u too c me crying...so then ppl won't think of me as a freak but will maybe understand me better...I mean one friend who I've know for abt 4 years didn't even know tt I could be a politician or even tt I could be a public speaker...none of u I geuss even know tt I can be a geak n also a tomboy...cause u've never seen all e diff sides of me...there's not one single person I know tt has seen all my sides...to bad...I'll probably be dead by e time someone finally c's all my diff sides...lol...its very ironic...gotta go...c u guys arnd...byz...

hey me again...I'm really sad...I miss Jamie sooooo much...hey Jamie I jus read ur blog...I hope u have a great time at NJC...I miss u...jus like I miss Chaitali alot too...I've lost most of my really good friends because we rn't in e same class anymore...right now I'm seriously crying as I write...my brother jus asked me wats wrong...I said nothing...I can't believe we're broken n seperated...we're living our own lives now...

I'm broken I'm dying
I'm praying here on my knees
wanting to remember all the good times
we're seperate we're different
never to be the same again
our paths will nver cross again
I'm here crying I'm here helpless
I can't keep it up
this game of smiling
I'm missing I'm empty
I'm nothing without you guys
your the meaning of my life the meaning of my soul

sry abt tt...its smt tt jus came into my mind as I was crying here by myself without all of u, my friends...I miss u...nothings going right...everythings a mess...isn't anyone trying to find me...won't u come take me home...where I belong...

ello wello!
tis me!
hehehehe...some ppl r really mad at me for not updating in a long time...lol...sry! well...its me again...oh yeah I finally did it! I finally streaked my hair!! hahahaha! I think my hair looks ok...sometimes though its very obvious that I dyed my hair...oh well who cares!!!! anw Ben is leaving on e 27th of Jan...so sad...I finally become brave for him n its sorta all for nothing cause he's leaving now...but I did learn something good!!! he likes me too!!!!!! lol...we discussed all e possibilities but found that an overseas relationship won't really work so we rn't gonna get involved or anything...but we're gonna c wats gonna happen in e future...well...schl is tough...I dun get home arnd 7:30 everyday n I still hafta do my hw too...lol its ok...at least in a sense I'm taking triple science but its easier! so its very cool...E'maths is tooooooo easy....I jus read e whole time in lesson cause I already did e work in advance n mrs. heng is my teacher n she saw tt I did every question correct so she jus lemme do my own thing...well I miss u Jamie!!!! its so sad without u arnd! miss u alot! well nothin much to say...gotta man e track both tmr for CCA day from 2-4...then I gotta rush to french...lol my life is very hectic...its sad...so I try n relaxe alot! like I do most of my hw during my classes...though I'm already behind in Physics n Bio...I dun understand a single thing...lol...c'est tres mal [its very bad]...lol...well I gotta keep movin to e fast pace of e local schl...anw my french tutor Laura her fiance is coming on saturday morning so I finally get to meet him...its gonna be cool...anw I spent e Nov hols in Korea n e Dec hols in Hong Kong...it was really cool! i got to go shopping alot in HK....anw I saw my cousins frm my dads side of e family...it was lotsa fun! also I can't wait for June n then I get to go back to e States n c mygrandparents! they jus got a puppy 1 month ago! its gonna be sooooooooo cool! well g2g! catch up wif u peeps laterz!