If I died tonight what would you do?

blah...jus came back from my familys routine friday night dinner.....we ate at Al Denta an italian restaurant at holland v.....god I kept lookin over my shoulder for Nicholas cause I know tt he goes out to holland v almost every fri....anw at dinner my dads friend walked by so we invited him to join us.....blah...as usual I was e gd daughter.....I took everything last...at least my dad didn't yell at me.....I guess I did everything right....anw then we came home to watch survivor as we've been doin for e past 7 years since survivor started.....I realised my life is very routine.....I've gone out to dinner wif my family everynight for e past 11 years.....its sorta like on a check list now.....its like almost habit....jus like when we go out to dinner after church every sunday for e past 11 yeaars.....very routine....anw I'm almost free!!!!! school is almost out and then I can go back to e U.S and back to my cuzes and relatives.....I jus realised how much I really missed em....especially my cuz Juan.....we r like really tight....I'm really afraid tt he has a gf already.....we always promised to wait for e other one.....and to do things together.....I'm really envious of my other cuzes.....I mean like all my second and third cousins tt r like above 16 r totally hot!!!! its not fair!!! they r like sooooo totally cute...they have all e girls goin after em.....i actually sorta feel sry for em....NOT!!! I mean....omg they r total hotties!!!! anw gtg....

today was ok....at first esh dragged me around searching for Hui Yi then she found her with Jia Wen....blah then we jus crapped in e library till abt around 10 then we went down for recess....during recess esh was talkin to Hwee Boon and Hui Yi so I jus waited for her to finish talkin.....then when we were goin to leave Hui Yi said bye to me first and then esh....u should have seen esh!!! she was like gonna explode!!! esh was sorta mad at me tt Hui Yi said bye to me first....no comment ab tt....blah....every1 asks me y I always bother to follow esh around....and I tell em tt someone's gotta keep esh out of trouble and I'm e only 1 tt bothers to....anw then we went back to e library and slept till 12 and then went down for lunch....esh, war and me jus sat there and talked and crapped...then we left and were waiting for c2 to finish their chi exam....after tt I dragged esh to follow me and see e kitten tt g1 had put outside e staffroom below e g.o.....did u know tt esh is afraid of cats!!!!! blah...I had to sweet talk her into lookin at e adorable kitten!!!! anw then war left.....we were debating if we should pon french or not....I decided against it since next tues I'm not goin for french...I dunno abt war though....oh yeah! today Udora said tt I looked really cute with my hair in french braids....lets c wat else to crap abt before I go downstairs to meet jj and go to french....hmmm....theres nothin else so I guess I'm gonna sign off....

*esh made me fix this entry....she says tt anyone who saw my entry before is suppose to forget it and not ever mention it again.....sry for e inconvenience.....esh was gonna black mail me if I didn't!!!!!!

u all dun know wat its like to be me.....I was always afraid of gettin beat up....not jus by my dad but by e ppl at school.....I still haven't taken my pills yet.....my mom doesn't know......she doesn't worry abt me...she knows I'm responsible.......I jus can't take this much longer....I actually do care abt my grades....u know everytime I fail....a little bit of me inside dies....everytime smt happens a little bit of me fades...if u asked me abt MGS I couldn't tell u....if u asked me abt UWC I couldn't tell u....if u asked me abt SAS all e memories r foggy....its like it never happened....its like I never existed before crescent.....I'll tell u a story abt a little girl....


there was a little girl who was brought into e world by loving parents...when she was 2 her parents brought another child into e world...when e child was three her family crossed e big ocean and went to live on e other side of e world....just after living there for 1 week her parents began to fight and argue....in e same year e little girls father began to hit her with a cane everytime she did or said smt wrong or made a mistake....when e little girl was 7 her father began to hit er wif shoes instead....e little girl excepted it all...her parents began to fight almost everynight....when she was 10 her father began to hit her wif a vacuum cleaner...a few months later the vacuum cleaner broke....e little girls father stopped hitting her and instead jeered bad words at her saying she was fat and ugly and stupid....when e little girl was 13 her father threw a shoe at her for e last time....e little girl excepted it all.....her parents faught everynight....her father always called her stupid and ugly and fat everynight....everynight e little girl would cry and pray....she asked God if any1 would ever come and save her....God never answered....e little girl finally gave up....she couldn't care anymore......


ask urself how this little girl is...ask urself if u know this little girl....ask ur heart who this little girl is....u know who it is....its me....

I can't take it any more....I was sooo nervous at french yesterday cause we had to present our projects....e after shock of it is still wif me...if u ppl actually bothered to notice i was shakin all day today and was like studdering alot.....I haven't studderd in years.....I'm afraid.....I know u guys already know this cause i told u las year.....but I wear a mask tt hides everything....it only shows me happy.....I can't take e mask off....it won't come off....its become me....it is me....I'm afraid.....I think I'm ill.....oh bother I jus remembered tt I didn't take my pills today....no wonder I was a nervous wreck....I can't take it anymore....its esh's fault....I was pissed at everyone today again jus like on friday....but u all were too busy to notice tt I was crying today during art....u guys never notice anything....I want my life back.....I wanna go back to before Nicholas......I wanna go back to before James.....I wanna go back to 5th grade at SAS......I wanna be me again.....I wanna be e one tt everyone knows again....not jus cause I'm diff but because I was a great person....I wanna live my life again...not e one of a stranger....I wanna jus wake up from all of this like its a bad dream.....I dun wnna leave next year....I can't take e moving for much longer.....I jus wanna give up....its so easy....I wanna die....I wouldn't mind it....I'm jus waiting for e cancer to come and take me away....to take me away from this strangers body....I'm not afraid of death.....it means tt everything will go back to normal......it means tt I won't have to bear anyone's sorrow anymore....u ppl dun know it but everything u feel I feel 20 times more.....I always said tt I was emotionally unbalanced.....u all never believed me....u all never trusted me....u all never even bothered to get to know me....u dun care....if I left no one would notice....if I was gone for forever no one would care....u all dun bother abt other ppl except urself...u all think ur life sucks but u dun even know e meaning of it.....u all dun care...

I'm afraid....I'm scared...I can't take changing schools anymore....I'm probably changing to UWC next year....I dun wanna leave....I can't take it...my dad wants so much from me....he wants me to be number one even if he won't admit it...he liked it when i was at SAS....I was e top of my class....I wanna give up....I've been slackin so much....I was never like this....I want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be alright....I'm afraid...I don't think I can fake it anymore.....its too much....I gotta give up sooner or later y not sooner....

Salut...wat to say....oh yeah!!! Anand is comin back!!!!!!! well....not till July tt is though....blah...its soooooooooo far away!!!! can't wait till then though.....well...I'm at school crappin right now....wat else is new??? hmmm......well I gtg to cell on wed....Daniel will be there....oh boy...how to face him.....for ur info this is not my bro daniel.....anw.....I've gtg now....christine and war have finished typing out our french project....gtg!!! BYZ!!!!

Salut!!
sry tt I'm writting again!! but I jus gotta talk or I'll explode!!! I was looking over my years books from over e years....I'm missing 2.....4th grade which was when I was at UWC and also 7th grade when I was at SAS and then I left halfway through e year so I didn't get my year book....its sad....I was looking through and it showed e things tt e 8th graders did....I missed alot of things.....like e CWW [classroom without walls] in 8th grade...it was career week....I could of done alot of things.....[for ur info SAS has CWW in 6th, 7th and 8th grade]....when I first left SAS I thought I would miss every1 alot....but now I reflect.....I dun really miss em tt much....I only miss my teachers....its sad....I was talkin to Brandon on msn and my best friend at SAS, Tammy, well we dun really talk anymore......my other best friend Sharon moved back to San Fransico....after she left we were in contact till abt right before I started at crescent...tt was abt 6 months.....now she hasn't reaplied any of my e-mails since last year....its sad....I've lost of of my friends....but u know....I dun feel anything....I thought I would be crying since I lost all of em....but u know wat...I'm not....I'm only crying for wat I missed and I'm crying for my teachers....I miss em sooooo much....my teachers were always very supportive of me even if my parents and friends were......u could say tt my teachers were my bestest and truest friends I ever had.....they never lied to me....they always critisized my work....they helped me inprove my writting and speaking skills....I was always wat made their day....I look in my SAS year book and every single one of my teachers wrote in it....they all say tt I was a joy to teach and tt I always brightened up there day.....when I didn't show up for school in January last year they were all sad tt I wasn't there to brighten their day....they never even got to say gd bye to me....I never got e traditional gd bye from e band [it was only for band members....I was in e band].....[for ur info e traditional gd bye in band is tt at our concert tt was nearest to when u were leaving Mr Hill, e band teacher, would call u up and and present u wif a rose and then every1 would applause to u....].....I never got any of tt.....I never gotta say gd bye....I jus left without a word and started at crescent.....I never gotta tell all my teachers how much I loved em for being there for me and always supporting me....I never gotta tell my friends gd bye.....I never got to tell my crush tt I liked him....[I later learned tt he liked me to...and tt he was sad to see me go....]....I regretted never being open before...tts y now I'm very onpen wif everything....I dun wanna have e same regrets....I dun wanna miss out on anything....I dun wanna never be able to say gd bye to all of u.....

Salut!!!
Sry tt I haven't written much.....lets c...hmmm....wats new....oh yeah!! to me this sucks but all e whole weekend from friday to sunday Clement has been declaring his love for me.....he also says tt he's always thinking of me....its weird....but u know...I dun really care tt he loves me....lets c wat else I have to crap abt....hmm.....oh yah! u ppl should know Jia Wen....or however u spell it....she's Hui Yi's friend....Hui Yi is e 1 tt Esh likes kz....for u ppls info....well Jia Wen says tt I'm cute.....very weird....she also says tt I'm her best friend.....tts also very weird....she says tt she likes my accent....umm....wat else to say except tt Jia Wen is weird...I dun even really know her.....well....wat else....ummm.....OH YEAH!!!!! Anand is coming back!!!! I was jumping and shouting for joy when I learned tt!!!!!! he's gonna be here in july!!!! I can't wait!! it'll be great!! I missed him sooooooooooooooooo much!!! I'm jus so happy tt I'm crying!!!! OMG!!!! Anands coming back!!!! Yippy!!!!!!!!!

*this bit is for Kenneth. Ok JJ...pls pls pls!!! dun kill me!!...Yep its true...there's alot of guys after Jamie...dun kill me JJ!!!!! anw yep! I'll look after JJ for u....or should I say baby chin *wink* *wink*.....ok ok!! sry sry!!

I'm gonna stop crappin now kz!!! c ya ppl!!

Salut...I cried today from frustration....I've given up on human kind....I was so mad at everyone....u think ur life sucks.....u dun even know e meaning of it!!! life sucks when u know tt u'll have cancer by e age of 30 like me....my greatuncle [my moms side] is dead from cancer....it runs in e family...my greataunt [my moms side] had cancer but she survived....my other greatuncle [my moms side] has cancer....e doctors say tt he only has 2 or 3 months to live.....he wants to live till e voting for president in America is over...he doesn't want Algore to win...he wants Bush as president again....my greatuncle won't be alive next year.....my grandfather had cancer [my fathers side]....he survived...but he's too old...he doesn't have long left.....my uncle had cancer [from my fathers side]....he was hospitalised for 3 months but he survived....my father will have cancer.....e doctors say tt hopfully they can prevent it....u think ur life sucks yet u dun even know e meaning of it....many things have happened to my family on both sides tt we wished hadn't......we couldn't control it....my life can get worse or it can get better....I dunno.....its not my choice.....my life sucks tt I know...but it depends on how u look at it....I could say tt my life could be worse....I could say tt my life sucks....I could say tt I wish I were dead....I come from a family of survivors....my fathers side of e family all had to go through e great depression in China....they all survived....my moms side of e family went through WW2 their still here....I'm a survivor...its in my blood....spilling out everything in my heart has helped...I'm gonna give human beings a second chance....

salut....
blah....I have a headache.....cause i've been lookin for smt for pbl all night!!!! My headache is really bad....it hurts sooooo much.....I can't find tt stupid thing JJ....blah....I'm gonna die by JJ's hands!!! blah...dun remember wat our hw is.....wateva....BYZ!!!!

Salut!!!!
Sry for not writing much lately.....my internet crashed.....blah.....was soooooo annoying!!!! hmmm.......wat to say??? My grandmother is here!!! yea!!!! shes great!!! also her younger sister came too!!!.....she would be my greataunt....yep....I'm pretty sure!!! ok....theres nothin new in my life.....oh yea....I joined an art competition.....blah.....every1 said tt I was goin to win when they saw my entry.....even total strangers came up to me and tt I would win first place......e weird thing is though.....tt I didn't win.....when they announced another winner everyone stared at me and then at e judges and were complaining if they were blind and tt I should of won....I didn't care.....I jus left and went home....later my friends came and asked me to go swimming to cheer me up....I agreed.......blah...then I went out to dinner wif my family.....I dun really have muh more to say.....so I' gonna stop crappin and go and do smt productive for once in my life.....byz....

Salut....
Blah....I miss Anand!!!!! where r u?!?!?!?!?! I can't wait till x'mas......cause then ur coming back!!! can't wait till then!!! Blah....wat to say??? jus tt I'm at school right now in cs lessons...this sucks....I keep on havin to fix smt....g2g now!!! e teacher is comin.....c ya!!!

salut.....
blah....jamie....how can u wan't me to be mature!!!!!
when I was mature.......I mean like.....oh!!! I dunno wat I mean........here's a bible verse.....

"Each of you has been blessed with one of God's many wonderful gifts to be used in the service of others. So use your gift well." ~1 Peter 4:10

my gift was to please people.....now tt u wan't me to be mature.....I don't have a gift anymore.....I always want to make people happy......no matter wat.....cause I grew up in a very unhappy house.....I dun want people to be like me.....my mom use to always cry......and I jus hated it......I want people to always smile....tts y to some ppl I may appear stupid.....or clumsy......its jus tt I don't want ppl to be sad.....cause when I'm clumsy ppl always smile cause they find it funny....and well they laugh....then they cheer up....

Salut [hello in french]!!!!!!
ok...wat to write?!?!??!
oh yea!!! hey kenneth!!! ummm....well....u know how most of ur entries have poems.....well....u given me e courage to show e world my life collection of poems I've written....ok...every1 u guys r e first eva to hear or see my poems.....well...besides my teacher at e american school...and tt was only my english teacher in 6th grade....oh wait....other ppl have read my poems before.....cause at e american school they had this book of poetry and short stories....2 of my poems were published.....but I used a false name....cause like I didn't want any1 to know...except my english teacher.....anw she said it was some great work and tt any time i had written smt she said she could read through it for me....well here goes....

I gave it to you,
You crushed it infront of me.
I cried for you,
You turned away from me.
I cared for you,
You shunned me.
I finally left you,
You finally looked for me.
But it was to late.....

umm.....ok this is a piece in progress....blah....I know tt its not e best but I mean....come on!!! it was jus off e top of my head!!! anw...I g2g!!! BYZ!!!!

Blah....sry for not writing much!!!!
I've been too tired.....anw.....I've been reflecting on my life alot lately.....and well.....
I learned smt really diturbing abt myself.....it might not be disturbing to u guys though.....
anw.....its jus tt guys keep falling for me.....blah....I know it sounds stupid but to me its jus weird......I mean.....even my own dear cousin has fallen for me.....wat to do.......well at least he's a second cousin and i only see him once a year....but i mean....e first time a guy fell for me was when i was 2.....its really very weird.....I mean....come on!!! I was 2!!! and like he was i dunno maybe 16-18....and well my whole church use to joke tt when I grew up I would marry him.....its jus weird....and then well.......my bro had a friend who was abt 1 or 2 years older than me...(I was like abt 6).....and its like every time he came over to see my bro he would always light up when he saw me there too.....(ummm....no one knows this but when i was little I was sorta tom-boyish).....and its like I would always play com games wif em and he always said tt I fought like a boy on e com games.....and its like he would always look at me and now tt I know abt it...there was like this yearning in his eyes....or smt.....then he moved away and I haven't seen him since.....tt was abt 6 years ago when he moved away.....and then well.....in 4th grade i switched to UWC and well.....there was this guy tt liked me....his name was Sunny....our dads worked at e same company....and so they were friends...then my dad told him abt how I was swittching to SAS e following year and so Sunny's dad had Sunny switch too.....then it was 6th grade and Sunny had a friend named James who fell for me then.....I still keep in contact wif James.....I jus learned tt he switched to e local school abt a month ago......I'm not sure if he still likes me or not.....and then well I switched back to e local school last year....and then in december I went to e super teens camp....and well as u can guess a couple of guys of course fell for me.....and as u know 1 of em was Clement....and then there was Anand....who as u all know is my big bro!!!!......blah still miss him......can't wait for him to come back frm Aussie!!!!....well at e camp Anand had fallen fro me too....and well...u all know I fell for some1 finally.....(tt excludes Danielcause we were jus friends)...and well u guys know e rest.....well g2g!!! BYZ!!!!